I entered the new year with fear. I wanted to stay in that place between 2017 and 2018 because when I looked back I saw burnt ashes and when I looked forward I could not even create a future for myself. Everything that was connected to me was thrown into a bowl and stirred up into a concoction that looked unappealing. …You know I stared so long at who I was, who I had become, where I could possibly go and if I am to be honest those moments of being still were probably the best things I could have done for myself. There are times where life is actually a mess .( I am not even going to say that it seems like a mess or that its just my perspective. ) It is such a mess that whatever direction you think to go in will leave you mentally unstable and incapable of making sound decisions. The only thing that I will say for anyone who is close to edge (suicide, about to make some VERY bad decisions) is DO NOT JUMP.
Philippians 3:13-14 (KJV)
13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
I Spoke Back:
“I think about the goodness of the Lord and drown myself in that. I do not drown myself in the goodness of the Lord that has been shown in other peoples lives, but rather in that which I have seen in my own. And I look at Christ with clarity comparing his word to the witness within me and choosing to walk away from everything that doesn’t look like who he has shown himself to me to be. I choose to trust in Jesus Christ. I choose to love him personally. This is what I choose to do. I choose to do it not so that I look like a good child or a good christian but because I know that the moment I let go of him I am finished. I choose Jesus. That’s my choice.”
“This is my wilderness and in this wilderness there are miracles. It never dawned on me that the Israelite saw so many miracles while passing through the wilderness. It wasn’t until I read about how the miracles ceased that I realized that the wilderness was not a place of darkness, but a breeding ground for God’s power. “
“And the manna ceased on the morrow after they had eaten of the old corn of the land; neither had the children of Israel manna any more; but they did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year”
I am usually optimistic about new years but this year I was not interested whatsoever. I was in a very dangerous place spiritually, but his grace saves. I do not care what year it is right now I just know that I want to enjoy this time that I am alive because I do not know how long I’ll live and I don’t want to live it in darkness.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. 2 Corinthians 13:14