I gave God a million reasons why he should take my life. I scripted it out in lettering that was bold and made it simplistic enough so that it would not be misunderstood. I told him of how at this point in the journey I should have been growing from one glory into another and yet I managed to move effortlessly through the many layers of failure and found my self at the doorstep of suicide. As I searched through google looking for various methods on how to off myself he made me a coward before every option. My heart ached in ways that I never had felt before and I just could not understand where I was suppose to go with these emotions. He quickly reminded of patients I met in recovery during my shifts at work. There was Rosa a lady that jumped off a bridge and survived only to still be overwhelmed by the spirit of heaviness, the man who shot himself in the jaw, the women who found release in drugs and couldn’t even get a high off of the drugs anymore…she just suffered daily. He said “if you try it you will not be lucky…I know you think that pushing yourself to brink may possibly bring my attention to your matter but what hope is there for the dead.” I then said maybe I will head out into the world to find love between the thighs of men and release within the comfort of alcohol, prescribed medications and those not prescribed. Anything at all just to not feel this. And I have never seen my God before but am oh so familiar with his presence. He took his eyes and looked at me and said “I have taught you time and time again that fulfilling the desires of the flesh in order to mask pain only intensifies it.” I really tried to reason with Jesus about this but the words ‘Sufficient Grace” echoed in my mind.
And so today I am giving up asking God to take my life so that I may dwell in sufficient grace. A land where the storms can rage within me, but not over come me. A land where I can be condemned of my past and current failures yet be promised a future. A land where I can be unloved and unwanted and yet still be enough. A land where I can be depressed, but not forever. A land where I can go to sleep heart broken yet intact. A land where it is Me and Jesus sitting upon the rock of ages planning tomorrow because at the end of it all the pain is all about the glory that is coming.